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And he already has his mother to bother him constantly about the state of his hair/clothes/shoelaces/car/etc.

1

And you have the gall to think your sociopathic behavior is attractive/endearing~

1

WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME YOU HAVEN’T REPLIED TO MY LAST FIFTEEN TEXTSPEOPLE CHANGE AND SO DOES SIGNAL RECEPTION  Yes, you’d definitely be the type to measure affection in the spaces of immediate reaction time, and prospective boyfie would justifiably be dragged to the pulpit as a disgraced infidel for failing to spend precious credits contacting you every five minutes and filling up the screen of your smartphone with syntax worthy of a thousand Tumblr notes. The males who would be happiest with you for being an active seeker of the attention you deserve are your conservative father and whoever fared best at the World Speed Stopwatch-Pressing Championships. 

0

And if he really loves you, he’ll be able to guess what’s wrong even if you keep insisting that it’s just the memory of your dead goldfish/whether or not you left the toaster on at home/a wedgie. After all, that’s what happens in all the romantic French films.

5

Or submitting all your heartrending musings to Blogsecret. You know it.

1

Contrary to popular belief, said average male neanderthal is most probably a perfectly well-mannered and sensible young man who has better things to do—drive to the grocery to shop for his mother, have a beer with fairly intelligent male friends to discuss the human condition, enjoy the intricacies of a basketball game or a round of Halo—than clean up the sludgy traces of your insufferable emotional residue.

0

She wears short skirts and you wear T-shirts; that doesn’t make her shallow/vain/stupid/a vindictive biznatch who doesn’t deserve any attention from the male species, any more than it makes you a poor saint who is more deep and insightful and wonderful than meets the eye (and definitely deserves all the love and affection she can possibly sponge up from whoever man she’s making googly eyes at at the moment).

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In this case, considering that you probably have enough personality hang-ups to merit your own exclusive case studies, it’ll most probably be nothing. 

1

hold your hand everywhere. bring you soup when you’re sick. call you beautiful all the time, even—or especially—when you’ve had a bad day and are quickly developing both the appearance and disposition of a one-eyed crocodile. toss rocks at your window to wake you up in the middle of the night—and, miraculously, not hit you. call you all the time, sometimes just to apologize for calling you so often, and continue to do so after you affirm in the most contrived manner possible that you actually like the incessant calling, you just refuse to explicitly say that you do. pause his video games to text you. change the channel to whatever you want to watch, even if it’s a stupid romantic comedy that will probably do nothing for your relationship but permeate it with an even thicker aura of unreasonable expectation. pass up on time with his friends for you, but get along perfectly with all of yours. kiss you in whatever inane, impractical (and possibly dangerous) situation and environment strikes your fancy—in the rain, in the middle of the hallway at school for everyone to see and gag at, at midnight on New Year’s, underneath a sprig of mistletoe, underwater (with an underwater camera for documentation), at the top of a mountain, in the middle of a swamp, etc. etc. etc. treat all the stranger aspects of your decidedly unique and colorful personality as lovable quirks instead of possible symptoms of psychosis and sociopathy. etc. etc. etc. Good luck with that.

3

Ladies, the ultimate example of a double contrivance: the existence of this kind of human being and the use of Picnik’s generous photomanipulation and stock imagery services to humankind.